Was encouraged to post in a groups in FB, so I wrote this down again. Now, focused on my relationship with my dad and the other people I met.
“My earlier life was a mess.
I wasn’t really close to my dad. He’s very moody, proud, fickle, and maybe I just don’t really understand him the way I understand my mom. He’s very strict with me, and I lived a legalistic childhood of forced obedience without understanding why I was doing what I was doing. I often times fail him, so I felt unaccepted into the family. Parang lagi nalang akong MALI. I have three brothers, but they also don’t talk to me unless it’s about an argument. So when my mom left for work in manila, I felt very lonely(we were living in davao that time). At dahil hindi ko mahanap ang acceptance na hinahanap ko sa bahay, I looked for it at school. Sa school ko, I was very very active! I was in the dance troupe, I worked hard for good grades, I tried hanging out with the coolest people, etc. Pero kahit na sikat ako sa school namin, I didn’t make lots of friends. Actually, ang pangit ng reputation ko sa school ko. I realized na sa sobrang galit ko sa tatay ko, na-transform na ako into the same person that I didn’t want to be—proud, fickle, and moody. Sobrang maldita ko lang, to the point na takot ang mga tao na kausapin ako. I made a lot of enemies. I felt unaccepted sa bahay at sa school. Parang kahit saan nalang walang may gustong maging parte ako ng buhay nila. Kaya napunta ako sa “barkada”(with quotations kasi pa bago bago ang sinasamahan kong barkada. Para akong social butterfly na walang permanent place). Sa barkada, natuto ako ng mga bagay na sana hindi ko natutunan. Nagpatuloy yun hanggang college. I learned to smoke, to drink, and I did that EVERYDAY. Sa umaga, late ako sa class. Sa gabi, pupunta sa party, iinom, at mag-good time. But even though I did all that, I felt so lonely and empty inside. I had a barkada, but they were just there pag iinom na. Wala akong masabihan ng mga tunay kong saluobin ng hindi nag-woworry na I will be judged and looked at with disgust.
Then I met ate Ysa. I was a loner(remember, masungit at moody at pangit ugali ko nuon kaya walang lumalapit saakin), but she approached me. After nun, kahit na masungit ako, she treated me with love and patience. Tapos siya pa yung nagsasabi sakin kung pwede ba daw niya akong makasama kasi she likes my company. Iniinvite niya ako mag-dinner dates, mag-kwentuhan, etc. Nagulat ako, syempre! First time ko kasi magkaruon ng taong gusto akong makita at gusto ang aking presence sa buhay niya. Then one Friday night, sabi niya kain at kwentuhan daw kami sa isang lugar malapit sa school. Umokey naman ako, pero sabi nya may dadaanan daw muna kami. Habang naglalakad papunta sa place na “dadaanan lang” naming, nakarinig ako ng loud music! Sabi ko, wow, baka party! Tas pagdating ko sa luob, ang energetic ng mga tao! May mga sumasayaw, may mga kumakanta. Then I looked sa lyrics. SHOCKS NASA ISANG YOUTH SERVICE PALA AKO! I don’t like being invited to “religious” gatherings kaya talagang sobrang nabigla ako nun. I wanted to go out, I was panicking, pero I just froze there looking at the lyrics of the songs. But then came the preaching. At the end of it, I was crying buckets of tears. Nung na-realize at na-understand ko fully kung anong nagawa ni Lord sa buhay ko, I felt so liberated. Pinakita ni Lord saakin na yung ACCEPTANCE at LOVE niya, hindi ko kailangan i-earn by doing “good stuff”. Hindi rin yun nababawasan tuwing hindi ko siya nasusunod or pag na-fail ko siya. Yung love niya para sakin, complete and free, because of Jesus. If I ask of Him, He is willing and able to fill every area of my life that I think is empty or lacking. With Him, my joy can be complete.
That truth led the start of the revolution of my life. I was a changed person. But ofcourse, si God, laging may little surprises para satin. One of the first few things that He told me to do was to ask for forgiveness from my dad. Ano daw, ansaveh? I will ask for forgiveness from a man that hurt me? It wasn’t easy and I was struggling. But God taught me how to forgive, just as he has towards me. So, I called up my dad and asked for his forgiveness. I said sorry for hurting him, for disobeying him, for disrespecting him, for doing things that made his life harder.. and many more. With a heartful cry, he replied with a “hay salamat anak. Ok na yun. I love you no matter what.” After that conversation, I felt like a lot of baggage on my back was lifted and everything was so light. Si God lang talaga nakakagawa niyan.
Now, I am a 5th year student, graduating next year(YAY!). God changed me, little by little, ever so patient. God also taught me how to be a friend to others, and how to keep friends and your relationships healthy. I now enjoy biblically sound friendships, and I enjoy sharing this joy with others. I now have this great mission to share this joy and freedom with others, so that they may also taste and see the goodness of our Lord. :)