I am the youngest of 4 children. I was a caesarian baby, weighing around 7.5 lbs. Early in my life, I was spoiled with everything I want since I was an only daughter. Plus, my mom said that I was so cute that they couldn’t say no to my wants. It was a very happy time for me, but I guess it was bad training for my part since I became accustomed that everyone will give me what I want, at the time when I want it. I became selfish, arrogant, and self-centered. But since my parents were too busy with work at that time, I guess they didn’t notice it.
The overwhelming provision also brought positive effects for me. Since I was taken care of very well, my only concern was learning and school. It made me focus on my studies, and I was blessed to be on the list of the top 3 students ‘till grade 2. When I was an incoming 3rd grader, my family moved to Davao. School was so much easier in Davao, so I got into 1st place till grade six.
Then I passed Philippine Science high school, and spent 4 years of intense science training. I had my first boyfriend, my first heartbreak, my first varsity experience, and basically all my firsts. The community in Pisay (Our own term for Philippine Science high school) led me to experience so much. In the nurtured community that I live in, there were so many things that are not discussed due to the acquired taboos of my parents. But all those taboos were extensively discussed and taught at Pisay. It made me walk into a path that requires me to study things that my parents are trying to protect me from, like sex and Marxism. Since these things are conflicting, and I’m in the process of dealing with my surging hormones, I was a person who was very lost and violent. All the things that my parents were hiding from me seem so attractive, and my rebelliousness revolved around these topics.
High school was a very troubled, dark, and disturbing season in my life. I had no friends that I could truly say was my own, though I was popular and influential. This shaped me into a self-seeking and attention deprived person.
Then came college.
College was freedom. Or so I thought. It was my first time to live outside of our house all by myself. I was blessed to be a resident of the Kalayaan residence hall for my first year as a student in UP Diliman. Everything changed because I now control my time. I had the freedom to do whatever, without being known by my parents. I can eat by myself, go to the mall and have dates, etc. It’s so exciting!!
For the first time in my life, my parents had no choice but to let me go and grow on my own. They have been protecting me too much without considering how I feel so this is definitely a breather. I hate those sigawan and tense filled talks that my parents and I had when I was in their care. That’s why I never felt homesick. Almost everyone in Kalayaan was crying and comforting each other whenever they miss their families—I didn’t. It sounds weird but that’s how I really felt. I don’t want to lie, especially not on my own autobiography. I didn’t miss my family, I just wanted to be away from them. Whenever they are correcting me, they always tell me it’s because they love me. But I never felt any that love, I just felt irritability and impatience.
Academically speaking, I adjusted early in UP. My training in Pisay helped me a lot in adjusting comfortably to the new system that I am in. Classes were a breeze during the first year. Everything was running very smoothly, until.. I had a boyfriend.
The Boyfriend phase was an unrealistically happy one—at first. Then everything fell apart, and we broke up. It caused so much damage in me that I started sulking and withdrawing from all social interaction. My parents noticed the change in me, and they insisted that we go and see a psychiatrist. When we were there, he asked me a lot of questions and then concluded that I am suffering from clinical depression. All the angst, worries, fears, unforgiveness, and negative stuff that’s been planted in my heart were blooming. I am reaping the fruit of all my angst. I couldn’t accept the fact that I’m REALLY suffering from depression. I thought I was crazy, especially since the doctor said that I should go and stay in a half-way house for atleast a semester!
Slowly I recovered from depression, and my moods were beginning to lighten up. Then I met Ate Ysa. I had no close friends in UP, but ate Ysa befriended me. It was a bit shocking that someone wanted me to be their friend, so I was very happy and ecstatic to have one.
One day she invited me for a date. As we were walking along Romulo hall, I noticed that there was a big hallway full of people. The sounds were so loud, and it seemed that everyone was partying. Then, like magic, Ate Ysa led me inside the hall. I was standing in that big hallway, shocked and unbelieving. It was a youth service, and it was worship time. I don’t like being coerced to go to religious seminars and all that, but in that moment I had no choice. It was like God was really calling me into coming back to Him, because the preaching that day was so accurate to what I was going through! So on that day, I decided to declare Jesus as my personal Lord and savior.
Right now, I’m in love and everyday is an adventure that I walk with Him. He grows me to be a woman that has undivided attention and focus for Him. I won’t write much on this section since my present blog talks about it naman.
Ten years from now, I see myself doing the will of God. That’s all I could say. For who is man to direct his steps? I know God will never leave me nor forsake me, so whatever is up for grabs in the future, I’m sure I’d be enjoying it. But if He answers my prayers and grants me my favor, I would really want to be a full-time missionary here in the Philippines. I want to reach out to other people to let them know how good, amazing, and perfect God is.
Also, I hope I’d be married at that time to my compassionate, loving, tactful, patient, understanding, forgiving, full of wisdom and knowledge, musically inclined, and artistic husband. J